When I was playing Police Simulator: Patrol Officers, my mind kept straying to one thing. A scene from The Incredibles. That bit at the beginning where the Supers are being interviewed. Mr. Incredible says a line about being a maid. ‘I just cleaned up this mess, can you keep it clean for five minutes?’, or something to that effect. It popped into my head the first time I busted a drug deal, only to come back five minutes later and find two more people in the exact same place, dealing the exact same drugs. How many people do I have to tase before they realise it’s a bad idea?
That’s indicative of one of the biggest issues with Police Simulator: Patrol Officers – the simulation regularly breaks down. If we were plugged into this simulation, Matrix-style, we’d figure it out pretty quickly. Probably the first time you walk past three identical, headband wearing girls. The other big problems include god-awful graphics and the crushing fact that writing parking tickets just isn’t that interesting. If you’ve come for searing insights into the frequently controversial world of the police, then look elsewhere. However, if you’ve come to wave a radar gun at cars? Then, honestly, still look elsewhere.
The Boys In Blue
Now, I’ve developed a fondness for simulators over the years. They’re the perfect thing for turning your brain off after a day of work. They usually present a set of tasks and the tools to complete them, then say ‘get to it’. A collection of little victories. So, when I opened up Police Simulator: Patrol Officers‘ book of regulations, I was happy. Lots of rules to check and tickets to write. I can’t lie, I did get a little jolt every time I saw an illegally parked car. Maybe I just enjoy ruining other people’s days. So, there was everything to gain going in.
There are three districts to choose from, too, each of which are broken down into neighbourhoods. There’s a fair amount of game to play with here. Unfortunately, things start going south almost immediately. Once I’d picked my officer, Frank Miller, I stood up from my desk and strolled out the precinct door. After a massive FPS drop – not uncommon – I stepped out onto the street and thought: good Lord, this is ugly. Everything is flat, ugly textures for one. There’s also horrible pop-in, with textures remaining low-res even when they’re clearly in view. Also, Frank’s hair looks like it’s made of Velcro. It smacks of a game desperately cutting corners to run on the Switch.
Still, we can look past graphics, right? So, Frank’s first shift was to ticket parked cars. It took a moment to get used to the different laws in the US – mainly relating to jaywalking – but I got the hang of it. Next shift was checking for speeders, then dealing with minor accidents. Police Simulator: Police Officers has a fairly slow curve, given that shifts drag on a fair bit, but you get to the interesting stuff eventually. I did like that you have to follow proper procedure to get experience. Accidents require you to take photos, interview witnesses and perform the proper DUI tests, for instance. It does become rather repetitive, though.
The Glitchy Blue Line
I think the repetition is due to Police Simulator: Patrol Officers complete lack of stakes. You’d think an officer walking past an obvious crime would be grounds for punishment. Not here. You only got punished for incorrect judgements, like issuing a ticket for the wrong thing. Even then it’s just a slight reduction in overall experience. So you can issue one parking ticket in a shift, ignore your radio and knock off for lunch and it’d still be a successful shift. Hard to stay invested when there’s so little to worry about. Even simulators need stakes – even if it’s just not delivering a shipment of nails on time.
It’s not helped by the fact that so much of Police Simulator: Patrol Officers is just plain broken. When a car needs to get around an obstacle, it’ll turn at an immediate ninety-degree angle. Every time I called for backup, the police van would just stop in the middle of the road, refusing to find a parking spot while the driver stared, unblinking, at the empty road in front of him. When I chased a suspect, they clipped slowly through three cars, which admittedly is a new way to outfox the police. At one point, a suspect in jail sunk slowly into the ground. The awful performance doesn’t help either. The FPS drops and insane pop-in that accompany driving make me dread any high-speed chases that might be coming.
The other issue is that, despite the big book of regulations, Police Simulator: Patrol Officers is frustratingly shallow. I mentioned in the opening paragraph that crimes repeat themselves constantly, but frequently it’s the same NPC models, too. Each of which will give you a single, stock line from a small pool. Drug deals are where the scales fully fell from my eyes. They’ll always pass the drugs in the same way, usually in the same spot, even with a uniformed police officer standing right next to them. What’s more, sometimes the rules aren’t written properly. Following the book, I ticketed someone for parking in a disabled spot without a rear-view mirror tag. I lost points. Turns out I was supposed to look at the license plate. Who knew?
Police Simulator: Patrol Officers – Boring, Broken, Bad-looking
The end result is constant frustration. This review has dissolved into complaints, but the list doesn’t stop there. Let me just finish with a final one: aiming the radar gun was a pain. The analog stick just didn’t have the right sensitivity. Still, the main amount of frustration comes from the wasted potential. I’d imagine that patrol officers all have interesting stories to tell, but there aren’t any of them to find here. Even then, we can’t really enjoy a nice simulation experience, because so many things launch you out of it.
I can’t really recommend Police Simulator: Patrol Officers to anyone. There must be stronger police simulators out there than this. To take this review full circle, the Incredibles scene that most encapsulates my feelings towards Police Simulator: Patrol Officers is when an exhausted, bored Bob is drying books with a hairdryer. This is mindless busy work, without any sense of stakes to keep it interesting, and is thoroughly broken to boot. Avoid at all costs.
